Great Expectations
What should we expect from life and those around us?
How do you handle expectations, from the everyday simple ones to the life long expectations you have?
While I was sitting at the table with my wife today I asked her what she thought would be a good topic for my next article. “Expectations”, she replied. That opened up a can of worms that I was not ready for. “Ouch” I thought for a moment and also a few laughs from both of us as we talked about some of the times we’ve let each other down (unmet expectations).
From my own experiences as an adult some of my biggest expectations have been met with disappointment and heartache. And there have been other times when I have got really excited about an expectation that was met as well! Others have often described me as an optimistic person, but as I have got older (and hopefully wiser) I have had to overcome some battles in my life, either with other people or myself.
When we want to see a massive shift from living “day by day” to purposeful living, we will change our expectations. We will start to look outside what is the current situation and start to dream. But you will be met with opposition from others and yourself, as you change your mindset from a fixed one to a growth mindset. You’ll have days you dream big and others where you might even doubt your reason for being in the first place.
Something I have been working on through the trials and experiences of the last 20 years is the expectations I had of my life and others. I had massive dreams to start and own a successful global business, have a family and own a piece of land in the country. I wanted financial freedom and in my early 20s I wanted to retire at 40 years old. But as I went on this journey with big dreams and goals for my life I had to have almost every aspect of those dreams stripped away. When you hit the same brick wall again and again and again it becomes weary after a while.
One of the hardest things in having big dreams or “Great Expectations” is that you will need to be patient, extremely patient. This is not something that comes to us automatically, especially in a culture that has food, travel and video on demand. We are conditioned to be consumers (see my previous article Why Raw Life? where I discuss consumer vs producer mindset). Part of breaking free from a consumer mindset is to remove your immediate expectations.
I can list a lot of expectations I have had at times in my life and some might resonate with you too:
A desire to be accepted by others.
Excitement about wedding day.
The thrill of going on an adventure.
That my wife would love me unconditionally.
My kids would listen and be respectful to us and others.
That my family (parents, siblings) would accept me for who I am.
That my car would always work.
There’s a massive list of things we “hope” will turn out from everyday things like the car working perfectly to more long term things like finances, relationships and career for example.
How do we live a life free from expectations?
Well, the truthful answer is we can’t be free from expectations, it’s a part of being human. However we can have reasonable expectations in their right place.
For example if we have a regular job we need to place an expectation on ourselves that we will get to work on time. Or it is OK to expect our spouse to greet us when we get home or when they get home from being out. And if you’re in a team you want to know your team has your back and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with these types of expectations. Sometimes we or others will let us down in these expectations, but the key is not to let those disappoint you.
Acceptance is probably a word I will throw around a lot. It is an important thing I’ve had to work on, especially accepting that quite often your expectations aren’t going to be met. I think part of this is to see the best in people and yourself, have high expectations, but don’t pin your hopes on anything that isn’t going to matter in the long run.
What about life “shocks”?
In terms of larger expectations, such as life long dreams to own a house or have a family. Well, we don’t fully control the outcome of how these will play out, no-one does. You can only have self control over your area of influence, but once you have lived long enough you’ll soon realise that some things are just out of your control.
There are plenty of life “shocks” that come along our way that can feel very raw at the time and may take time to heal from. In fact a lot of people suffer trauma from unmet expectations caused by such as a divorce, loss of a family member, bankruptcy, serious injury or illness.
From my perspective you can’t walk through this stuff alone and you need to have the right tools to experience raw life and see that every thing that happens in your life can be used as a turnaround and bring you into a place of overcoming. One famous quote I saw recently was a sign that said “Your Attitude + Your Choices = Your Life”. I thought about this while walking this morning and realised this sounds like a true statement, but it is not the whole picture. It might look like that for a number of people who have been successful, but the reality is different.
“Circumstances + Your Response + Your Choices = Your Life” would be closer to the truth. How you handle a difficult life event is going to determine your course and direction for your life.
I’ve explored some ideas, but will leave you with some questions below which may help you understand how you currently manage expectations?
How do you respond to your circumstances?
What expectations did you have when something went tragic or unexpected?
What are you basing your expectations on?
How could you create expectations that are significant?
What different responses would you have in the future?